"Be not afraid, only believe" (Mark 5:36)

In all honesty, I have been putting off this post for a while, but it is something that I think you need to know and that I need a record of in the trying times to come, I have come up with so many excuses on why I should write this post later, the only valid and real reason was when all the kids were sick over the weekend. I don't have the energy, it is just so hot outside, I would rather play a game or watch a movie or read a book are just that, excuses.

I have never been a person that is good with words. I hated Speech class in high school and dreaded getting up to do oral reports for English. Talks are not the most welcome at church and I would rather teach the younger classes as opposed to any of the adult classes. I just do not care for public speaking of any kind that is in even a somewhat formal situation. Lot is much better at that. He is a born teacher and knows just what to say and how to say it. He is a great scriptorian (spell check says that is wrong but in unwilling to give me a good substitute) and knows so many stories. I have a hard time with all of it and struggle to understand and comprehend what it is I am reading. Anyway, what I am trying to get at is this, I hope that I can put down the words swirling around in my head and if all it helps is me to have it down, I am just fine with that.

I had no clue that when I turned 29 five days before the ESRD (end-stage renal disease) diagnosis, that this year would be the hardest of my short-ish life. It has been a very trying and overwhelming year and even as I type this, I have a knot in my throat and tears in my eyes. I don't think I will ever be to a point where I can talk about this year without that happening. It has been hard. Very hard. It is so difficult to remember that we are going through a trial that was picked just for us to go through and that if we just have faith, we will be better people for it.

On the last Sunday in June, the 30th, to be exact, mine and Lot's names were on the program to speak in church. We were given our topics around noon the Friday before. While it was short notice, it was an inspired choice of topic and of us speaking. I know that anyone can talk about gratitude and that our blessings will come in time, I think that Lot and I have special circumstances that allow us to know about gratitude and blessings more than some.

I am sure that Lot felt the same way as I did, that we have never had such an easy time of preparing talks for Sacrament meeting. We did not have to pull from many outside sources to supplement the talks that we were given to speak about. If you get the chance, please read The Divine Gift of Gratitude by President Monson given at the October 2010 LDS General Conference and An High Priest of Good Things to Come by Elder Holland given at the October 1999 General Conference.

President Monson talks about the story of the 10 lepers who were divinely healed, but only one chose to gives thanks to Christ for healing him. He asks if we remember to give thanks for the blessings that we receive. Do we? I think that when our lives are good and there are no major trials or hurdles to jump over, we do give thanks. It is in the hard times that we forget that, every single day, we are given blessings, no matter how great or small. Trials are after all, blessings in disguise. It may be years before we realize the blessings we received in such difficult times.

He goes on to say that we have all had times when our focus is on what we lack rather than on what our blessings are. Regardless of our circumstances, each of us has so much for which to be grateful for if we will just pause and think  about them. Our focus has so much been getting to the next appointment, making sure that nothing interferes with those appointments, how are we going to pay our bills with no income, trying to arrange childcare, should one of us start work even though we would have to leave when the transplant takes place, should Lot go back to school, what should he major in, what are we going to do if we get a call in the middle of the night to get down to Utah as soon as we can. Most of these are questions that we just don't have the answers to. And that is very tough and stressful. But even with all of this weighing on our hearts and minds, we still have a home, our kids are able to be with us all the time, we have sufficient food on the table, we have family and friends surrounding us, willing and able to take the kids whenever it is needed, no bills have been late or skipped altogether, and the biggest one, Lot is still here with us and with a little more energy to do those things that he wants and needs to do.

When the house is a total disaster, the kids are ornery, we have no clue what to make for breakfast/lunch/dinner, when Lot had a bad night with dialysis, when all it seems I have done that day is yell at the kids, when we get a huge medical bill in the mail, when urgent call to the transplant center go unanswered and returned, there are still good things about the day. At least we have a home with which the kids can make a mess in (and learn to clean it up properly), they will not be kids forever (and some days, that is a huge relief), we have food in the house, we just really do not know what to make (chicken nuggets, corn dogs, and grapes have been eaten en mass in this house), the bills will get paid one way or the other, and once we are able to get through to the transplant center, issues get resolved. 

"Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted." - Aldous Huxley

It seems that the things that most often gets taken for granted are those people that deserve our gratitude. We never know how soon it will be too late. There is no greater felling in the world than to know that a person you though you were going to lose to a incurable disease, is going to be around for a long time to come. If we reach deep enough and look hard enough, we will be able to feel and recognize just how much we have been given.

Elder Holland says that "...some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven...but they will come. There is help. There is happiness. There really is a light at the end of the tunnel. This light is the Light of the World, the very Son of God Himself. To any that may be struggling to see that light and find hope, Hold on. Keep trying. God loved you. Things will improve. Even if you cannot always see that silver lining on your clouds, God can, He is the very source of the light you seek. He does love you and He knows your fears. He hears your prayers. He is your Heavenly Father, and surely He matches with His own, the tears His children shed."

Those are lines taken from Elder Holland's talk and there is no way that I could have said it any better. He is always there for us, especially in our darkest, most trying times. He carries us and lifts us up, always. We just to remember that. We are never alone. There will always be Someone there that cares and wants to help lift the burden we carry, if we but ask and have faith.

In the most recent Ensign (July 2013), there was an article written by Elder Larry Gibbons of the Seventy titled, A Time For Faith Not Fear. I was having an especially hard day a few weeks ago, although I can not remember why, and I opened up the magazine and started to read through it. This article is about half way through. You know that feeling that someone giving a talk is talking to just you or that the music you happen to be listening to just hits you in a certain way that you can't help but think that you were supposed to be there that day to listen to that talk or hear that music? I feel that way quite a bit. There are several hymns and songs on the radio that I have a hard time listening to because they were played in the weeks after the ESRD diagnosis and they were just what I needed at that moment. Anyway, this article was one of those times that I felt that it was there just for me to read and, ultimately, cry over. It is humbling and heart warming to know that we are watched over and lead to things that will uplift us and help our situation seem not so bad and that we will overcome these trials for the better.

When the night is dark and the clouds are thick, we have an opportunity to put our hand in the Lord's hand and rely on Him to help us through. It is always darkest before the light, right? Although our levels of darkness may differ, there is a light for all of us. One reason we are here on this earth is to strengthen our faith and difficult, dark days are necessary and give us a chance to build our faith.
  
 Trials and difficulties are a necessary part of life and not a sign that the Lord has forgotten us or is displeased with us. Life is a test and not a single one of us has the same test. We are given the free agency to choose what answer we are going to put down. I think our test is full of essay questions and sometimes we expect that the questions should be true or false. There are many ways to arrive at the correct answer and we have been given a great gift call agency and faith to use on our tests. The Atonement is for more than just a forgiveness of sins. It is there to comfort us and give us a sure knowledge that there is Someone that has gone through the pain that we are experiencing and He the only one that knows exactly what we are going through.

Asking for help is hard to do, but that is all that we need to do, pray for help and then get going. The answers to our prayers and problems will come as we act. We also need to be patient; we are have a different watch than our Father in Heaven. His watch has so many dials and gizmos on it. Our watch is good for only telling the time, nothing more. His time will not be the same as ours. We may not get an answer for years, but if we have faith that everything will work out and work for it, blessings and answers will come. From our experience, the answers will be made clear through other people.

I am thankful everyday that Lot is here with us on this earth and not looking down on us from heaven. As hard, and at times, as unwelcome as, this trial is, I am humbled that the Lord knows that we need to go through this for us and that He is trusting us to learn what we need to learn.

There are so many times that I just want to crawl under the covers and not face the day. It happens more than you will ever know, but then what kind of example would that be to Lot? To the kids? To anyone? Lot is the one that is tethered to that machine 13 hours a day. He is the one that has to remember to take all those medications and go to those appointments by himself. He is the one in pain and just down right exhausted some days. I am just an observer of all this. I can't and don't know what it feels like to have a tube sticking out of my gut and knowing that if I don't do as the doctors have asked, that I will leave a family without a husband, father, son, brother. I am just an observer and as much as I want to take away the pain and frustration, I can't. That is not my burden to bear. I can set the machine up for him, pick up medications, get a bottle of water for him late at night, let him sleep in or take a much needed nap, but I cannot go through what Lot is going through.

The kids know that daddy needs a new kidney and we that are waiting for one. They love to help push the buttons on the machine and play with all the boxes we have lying around. This is hard on them as well, to have to work around doctor appointments and having to be a little gentler with Lot. It is hard for them to understand and for us to explain exactly what is happening. When they are older, Drake is probably going to be the only one to remember even a little bit of what is going on in our family in 2013. Chloe and Konnor will not remember. It will just be stories to them. I am grateful that they will be spared the worry and anxiousness of all this.

As hard as it is to put our lives in someones else's hands, and in Lot's case, that is literal, that is what we have been asked to do. We will continue to watch our little faith seeds grow and our story unfold. Thank you for being there for us, supporting us, checking on us, and being answers to our prayers. Someday, hopefully sooner rather than later, we can be the answer to a heartfelt prayer.