Tears of Happiness

I figured I better write this post before Saturday and I ruin another pair of contacts due to crying too much.

I have cried a lot the last 27 days. First, it was because we learned that Lot could literally die at any moment due to his lack of kidney function and sky high blood pressure. Then it was because we spent 8 hours in the E.R. and I was scared. Next, it was because we learned that in 2 days, Lot had gone from 9% kidney function to 7% and needed an emergency kidney biopsy to see what exactly he had. Fast forward 5 days and I learned my lesson and wore my glasses for a week because of all the crying. It was also at this time that we learned that he would need to go on dialysis immediately and as soon as insurance cleared (it is pending, but we will still have co-pays, 20% in still a lot of money for us to have to come up with), and we get a referral for the transplant, we will be spending time in Murray, Utah for the countless tests that have to be preformed before they give the go ahead to look for a live donor or be put on the transplant list.

This news scared me. How would we pay for this? Who would take care of the kids while we had to be out of town? What about Lot not being able to work? I had so many thoughts running through my head that the only thing I could do was cry.

And then, I started crying for another reason. When we got home from the appointment and started to prepare for the emergency catheter insertion the next day, I got on Facebook and cried, as I am crying now. My sister and 2 friends had already started to organize a fundraiser to help pay for everything and people were commenting left and right with things that they were willing to give to the silent auction and food and well, everything. A donation page was set up and money has slowly come in through that. There have been a lot of people donating that we know, but even more people that we don't know, that don't know us, asking where they can send donations or money. It is very humbling to know that there are people out there so willing to give to a perfect stranger and his family.

Freezer meals were quickly set up as was a new freezer that now resides in our dining room. Checks have been coming in the mail as well as phone calls just to see how we are holding up. Childcare was quickly taken care of, willingly. So many people want to help us that I wish there was more that I could have available for them do.


If you remember, we had blessings given to us and in those highly personal moments, we were reassured that everything will be all right. That doesn't mean that we won't have those less than stellar moments, but that Lot will continue to have a physical presence in our home for a long time.

Lot is keeping a journal of his thoughts and has given me permission to share things here that he has written. One such entry, titled Prayers, Love, Compassion, in part, reads,

"My wife saying, "I know you are going to get sick of me saying this, but do you need help? How are you feeling?" But what I hear is, "I am here, right beside you and I am not even close to letting you go."

Let me say now that I could never let him go. I hope I die before he does so that I don't have to live without him. This roller coaster ride has made us stronger already, as a forever family. It has been very hard and only by the strength of each other and the prayers of hundreds, if not thousands of people, have we made it this far. There have been days where I have questioned how we have made it through. Some days we struggle. Some days our patience it not what it should be with the kids. Some days we are so tired that everything is funny, even Lot's drain pain (the faces that he pulls are actually kinda hilarious, although I do sorta feel bad for laughing at him). Some days we are in bed by 9. Some days are just better than others, just like with everyone else.

Two weeks ago, sitting in church, a friend was talking about how we should not say "why us?" when we are faced with trials, but should think about what we are supposed to learn from it. Sitting there, I had a great thought. We have not once said or thought, "Why us?" We haven't. This is something that we have been asked to go through, whether it is for our benefit or for others, but I think it is a little bit of both. What are we supposed to learn from this? I don't know yet, but when we figure it out, I will be sure to let everyone know. I do have a sneaking suspicion that this trial is also for those around us; to give them opportunities to serve others and to bring our ward congregation closer together. And it has worked. Everyone had pulled together to help out in whatever way they are capable.

Why us?

Why not us?

I have cried buckets of tears and know that it will not end anytime soon. I have hope that the tears that I will be crying from here on out will be tears of happiness and joy and gratitude and hope.